On today's plate, I'm trying to figure out which fitness assessing device to buy. I'm looking at BodyMedia, Fitbit, & bodybugg. Buying one of these will automatically make me lose weight, right? RIGHT?!
I've also opened MyFitnessPal for the first time in months. I can't help but feeling this overall sense of foreshadowed doom. In the back of my mind I'm saying to myself, "Oh jeez, here we go again. Another attempt that I will just give up in a few weeks." How fucked up is that? I recognized the self-deprecating thoughts when I was talking to my husband this morning over a delicious Del Taco egg & cheese burrito (don't judge me).
We had just dropped our pup off at the vet to have hip surgery (which of course made me crave comfort food) and I was telling him of the wonderful plans that I had for my (and the pup's) future. I waxed on about how she'll be recovering at a similar rate that I will be, so she can do the little steadily lengthened walks at the park with me. Our stamina will gradually increase together, culminating in the most amazing mother/pup-daughter healing and healthful experience EVAR OCCURRING IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!!
All the while thinking that he's thinking, "Oh god, here we go again" *mental rolling of the eyes*. So I said something to the affect of "or whatever" to which he immediately called me out. We talked about my defeatist attitude. It's so crazy because I'm typically a positive person. You know, one of those irritating "you can doooo eeet" types that think everything is possible. But for some reason my self-talk is horribly negative when it comes to weight loss and fitness.
In 2005/6 I lost about 70 lbs. I've done it before, so I know that I'm totally capable of it; however, it's those rumblings that all we fat people have that keep playing in my head like a broken record. "Even if you lose it, you'll gain it back... PLUS MORE!", "Exercise? You hate exercise.", "It's too hard.", "Think of all of the food you won't be able to eat.", "You did it before without very much movement, why do I need to walk this time?", "Tomorrow... tomorrow I'll start. I'm just not feeling up for it today."
So fucking ridiculous. Meanwhile, I'm stuck on medication that's doing who-knows-what to my body. Intellectually I know that I'm killing myself by remaining on this path. Why is this process so fucking hard? Ug, I can't even ask that stupid question, I know all of the reasons. It's just my ego. Stupid ego.
