Starting Weight: 250ish Pounds of Gorgeousness

When I first began (again) this journey towards better health, I was not what one would typically think a morbidly obese person would be like. I've always been blessed with high self-esteem (or... delusional narcissism, either way it works for me), so even at my highest weight I didn't see it. You know what I'm saying? Sure, I knew I had gained weight, but I was still figuring out the Lupus, the uterine issues, and dealing with the emotional upheaval of it all, so I gave myself a little leeway.

My weight didn't affect me the way it should have. If I were in my right mind, I should have been pissed, angry, or scared that I had allowed myself to become that unhealthy. I think over the years I'd become so p.c. that I no longer recognized what having the excess weight really meant. I had been conditioned to love people for who they were, not the color or shape of their bodies. So, in essence I ended up screwing myself over because I loved myself for who I was, warts and all.

Therein lies the problem, if you completely accept yourself for who you are right now, sometimes you don't see your flaws. I think that's how I lived for a very long time. I didn't recognize the unhealthiness of my ways - both physical and emotional. Don't get me wrong, I'm not meaning to generalize or say that you shouldn't totally accept yourself, I'm just talk'n about my experience.

<-- Take a look at this photo right here. I'm adorable, right? RIGHT?! *said with glaring eyes, one twitching slightly* My huge, sparkling personality really made up for my huge butt. I still had people giving me a lot of attention, my husband loved me unconditionally, and even though I was tired and sick, I was blessed.

There was only one friend of mine who actually said anything to me about my weight. He wasn't mean about it: he was just concerned, but when he said something it was really painful. I was pissed. How dare he? Doesn't he know what I've been going through? He has no idea how I've suffered!!

But really, I was embarrassed. He had called me out. In true Emperor's New Clothes fashion, he basically screamed out, "Dang girl, you nekkid!!!" I could no longer pretend that something wasn't wrong and that other people didn't see how big I had gotten. It still took a little longer before I did anything about it, but it got the wheels in motion.

A few weeks later, Elle and I joined Weight Watchers and started Fat Camp. We began at the end of July 2012 and I weighed in at 250.6 lbs (BMI of 44). Yeesh. From September to this February, I managed to maintain the loss through the increasing pain from my fibroids and endometriosis (was not fun). When I recovered from the hysterectomy, I began again.

What's different now is that I am starting to recognize the harm that the fat can do. It's not just "oh yuck, fat," it's really fucking up my organs and the inside of my body. Like, really. Seriously, I've got to give props to the Biggest Loser and the education that they provide on that show. When they would do the health consultations and explain how fat was hindering the body's natural state, it made an impact on me.

They talked about how obesity was similar to other horrible types of diseases and they constantly ask, "If you had cancer, wouldn't you take 2 hours a day for chemo?" Of course, the answer is yes, but most people don't see fat % as being as dangerous as cancer. In our society, we're fucking ourselves over with the shit we're putting in, on, and around our bodies and we just keep consuming.

Well, I, for one, am waking the fuck up. And I'm pissed at my ignorance.

The crappiest picture of me. Evar. Highest weight: 250 lbs.

My Own Biggest Loser: Starting Info

238.5     Start

As we all know, it's important to see the horror from whenst you came to keep you motivated throughout your weight-loss/ gett'n-healthy journey. I'll try to find some photos from when I was 250, but for now we'll do the starting info for my BL challenge. I took this info right after I bought the Withings scale, so the weight is probably a little high since it was in the afternoon.

February 4, 2013

Height: 5'3" (63")
Age: 38 (yeesh)
Weight: 238.5
Lean Mass: 49.2%
Fat: 50.8%
BMI: 42.2

It's so crazy the mind works. When I look in the mirror, I don't see the weight; but these pictures, man. What I am thankful for, though, is that even with all of this fluff, I still find myself extremely attractive. THANK MUTHA FUCK'N GAHD FOR HIGH SELF-ESTEEM (or delusions... that's fine, I'll take it).

In the side view, you can see the surgery scar underneath my boob and the bruise from the Lovenox shot (taken in December, mind you). Whenever I see my progress photos I always think, "Goddamn, I need a better bra." Heh. Other than that, I'm just excited to see my future progress.

Setting Myself Up for Success (Yah Boyiiiie).

Okay, so we don't have kids and evidently we don't like contributing to our retirement. That leaves us with a bit of $ to typically spend on fast food. This week, after watching The Biggest Loser reruns on HuluPlus, I've started my own Biggest Loser competition. Right now I'm the only contestant, but I'm pretending there are others. AND I WILL CRUSH THEM!!! *shaking fist into the air*

A few days ago I think I blogged about choosing a fitness monitoring device. I went with the FitBit One because it was cheaper, smaller, and it has a really great free support website. The website applications are cool and easy to use. I swear to god, I'm not a paid endorser, I'm just super pleased with this product. It also works side-by-side with MyFitnessPal. They sync with each other so that everything is nice and purdy.

I also splurged and bought the Withing's Wi-Fi Body Scale which does everything including the laundry. Dude. Duuuuude. This thing zaps all of your info from your bathroom to your computer AS SOON AS YOU STEP OFF OF IT! That's crazy, yo! After I weigh in, I run to the computer to see my progress: weight, body fat %, and BMI.

All of these devices interact with each other. It's like an electronic three-some of fat busting!! I will gadget myself to weight loss. Oh yes, I will.

Obesity, Recover, & Slacklining (Oh My!).

Having a hysterectomy when you're morbidly obese is a fucking big deal. I'm at the end of the 5th week and my gut is still sore. The wobbly fat pulls at the incision making the healing process more difficult. Arg, it's so goddamn frustrating 'cause I just want to get to that point where I can start exercising without feeling like I'm going to hurt myself.

I went out today to visit with some friends. Afterwards we went to the park so that some of them could try their luck with slacklining.

Goddamn hippies. Does this guy look like a young Art Garfunkel to anyone else? It's hard for me not to see Garfunkel slacklining in this act. Hello slackline, my old frieend...

But I digress. Today started Day 1 of the Biggest Loser Fat Brown Chick Special Edition. It was rough, but this is totally doable. About 6/7 years ago I was able to lose 70 lbs, during which most of the time period I was recovering from knee surgery. Did that sentence make sense? I dunno. I'm tired. Whilst I was out with the dirty slackers I was in the sun. Lupus people shouldn't be in the sun, it's against our ways.

Whatever.

The Biggest Loser.

Okay, so I'm a bit late to the Biggest Loser bandwagon. I started watching this season and got hooked so I added all of the previous seasons to my HuluPlus account. I'm currently in the middle of season 1.

It's so crazy to look at these people and realize that their starting weight is lower than what I currently weigh. AND THEY LOOK SOOOO FAT! I don't feel that fat. I mean, sure I've got fluff and when the tv goes dark I can see the reflection of a morbidly obese person staring at me, but I don't feel fat.

Yesterday TBL inspired me to make a Costco run to pick up the family-sized portions of fruits. Unfortunately, I'm still recovering from surgery and majorly overdid it. Damn you Costco!!! *shaking fist into the air* You've foiled me again!

Right now I've got some frozen organic chicken boobies in the oven. I bought the village-sized frozen green beans that I'm looking forward to devouring too. Very exciting. I might actually take some photos tomorrow.