The Incredible Shrinking Woman.

When I was being measured yesterday, the nurse repeated my height as she entered it into the computer. 5' 2 1/2". What? I asked, silently lamenting the crack addiction that she must be suffering with. She double checked and said, that yes, I was in fact a tiny midget. She then went back in the annals (*snicker, annals*) of her computer and found that when I was there 2 years ago I was the same height.

SAY WHAT?! As far as I've known, I've been 5' 3 3/4" since I was in high school. WTF, man? How could I have shrunk so much? I'm not in my 70's where that kind of shit is expected! I need to do some research. Can it possibly be because I have so much weight on my beautiful body? Does obesity, like cold air, cause shrinkage?

Let me see if I can find anything on the interwebs... brb.

What I'm gleaning is that the excess weight can cause spine compression and poor posture which can lead to a decrease in height. Sonofabitch. So, now I need to get one of those upside down bat hangy things that RICHARD GERE HAD IN AMERICAN GIGOLO!!! Woah, I was just referencing that movie yesterday.

Oh Richie... I'll be your gerbil any day.

6-Month Sentence & The Return of Lucy Liu.

A couple years ago I toyed with the idea of getting a sleeve gastrectomy, which I eventually decided against. During that time, though, I met up with a terrifying (yet titillating) nutritionist who I like to refer to as Lucy Liu. Or is it whom... who, whom I like to... grammar, ye are a finicky she-beast.

Anywhoosies, I decided that I needed to get the surgery done and today returned to the Weight Loss Center. I'm super excited to get 'er done and everything was going along swimmingly until I found out that my insurance needs proof of a 6-month medically supervised diet. SAY WHAAAAT? Now don't get me wrong, I'm pleased as punch that my insurance actually covers the procedure, however, it just seems so uncool that they have this caveat in place.

I mean seriously, how many "ladies of a certain age," such as myself, get to this point without having tried a ZILLION different diets/potions/lifestyle changes/hypnotists? I'd say less than 1%. So that means that the insurance company is making the rest of us wait an additional 6 months for, really, nothing. During that time, our type are not like, "Whoa! I'm really glad I had this time to lose this 5 lbs, be super frustrated, and potentially fuck my body up more with all the pleasantries that come with being morbidly obese."

And what if, in the meantime, I end up stroke'n out, dying of sleep apnea, my heart explodes, or a zillion other things? I'm fucked. And if we lose our insurance before I finish the 6 months? I'm fucked. Yes, I know that no one did this to me, I'm the one who made the decision to go to Carl's Jr instead of Salads R Us; but, fuck. Come on insurance. Why you gotta dangle the chocolate carrot in front of a sista' like that?!!!!

Hubby said he would call on Monday and see if there's any way around the 6-month policy. I suggested that he give up his body for them to use with it as they will. I'm not sure he's going to go along with that plan, but he needs to suck it up and give 'em a little sugar.

But I digress. So yah, the sleeve gastric bypass. Gonna do it. "What it the hell is a sleeve gastrectomy?!" you might ask. Well let me tell you. It's a surgery whereby 85% of your stomach is removed, basically giving your a "sleeve" type stomach the shape of a banana. It's what they call a "restrictive" surgery: it limits the amount of food you can process and doesn't move around or connect any other body parts.

It's great because it removes the portion of the stomach that secretes Ghrelin - a hormone that is responsible for appetite and hunger. I think that they forgot the "m" when they were naming it, 'cause it does seem to me that g[h]remlins are a part of this conspiracy to keep me fat. Little fuckers.

Learn more about the surgery and support forums at ObesityHelp.com. There's a lot of cool info there. I also thought this video from the Mayo Clinic was kinda cool:

Transcript: In a sleeve gastrectomy, part of the stomach is separated and removed from the body. The remaining section of the stomach is formed into a tube-like structure. This smaller stomach cannot hold as much food. It also produces less of the appetite-regulating hormone ghrelin, which may lessen your desire to eat. However, sleeve gastrectomy does not affect the absorption of calories and nutrients in the intestines.

So I'm going to let these doctors cut up my body so I won't die early. The scariest part of the whole procedure, though, is having to meet up next week with the nutritionist I lovingly refer to as Lucy Lui. Yes, she's still there!!! And I'm sure she's as terrifying as ever. She's going to be the one who is responsible for my 6-month sentence. Sweet mother of gahd.