Starting Weight: 250ish Pounds of Gorgeousness

When I first began (again) this journey towards better health, I was not what one would typically think a morbidly obese person would be like. I've always been blessed with high self-esteem (or... delusional narcissism, either way it works for me), so even at my highest weight I didn't see it. You know what I'm saying? Sure, I knew I had gained weight, but I was still figuring out the Lupus, the uterine issues, and dealing with the emotional upheaval of it all, so I gave myself a little leeway.

My weight didn't affect me the way it should have. If I were in my right mind, I should have been pissed, angry, or scared that I had allowed myself to become that unhealthy. I think over the years I'd become so p.c. that I no longer recognized what having the excess weight really meant. I had been conditioned to love people for who they were, not the color or shape of their bodies. So, in essence I ended up screwing myself over because I loved myself for who I was, warts and all.

Therein lies the problem, if you completely accept yourself for who you are right now, sometimes you don't see your flaws. I think that's how I lived for a very long time. I didn't recognize the unhealthiness of my ways - both physical and emotional. Don't get me wrong, I'm not meaning to generalize or say that you shouldn't totally accept yourself, I'm just talk'n about my experience.

<-- Take a look at this photo right here. I'm adorable, right? RIGHT?! *said with glaring eyes, one twitching slightly* My huge, sparkling personality really made up for my huge butt. I still had people giving me a lot of attention, my husband loved me unconditionally, and even though I was tired and sick, I was blessed.

There was only one friend of mine who actually said anything to me about my weight. He wasn't mean about it: he was just concerned, but when he said something it was really painful. I was pissed. How dare he? Doesn't he know what I've been going through? He has no idea how I've suffered!!

But really, I was embarrassed. He had called me out. In true Emperor's New Clothes fashion, he basically screamed out, "Dang girl, you nekkid!!!" I could no longer pretend that something wasn't wrong and that other people didn't see how big I had gotten. It still took a little longer before I did anything about it, but it got the wheels in motion.

A few weeks later, Elle and I joined Weight Watchers and started Fat Camp. We began at the end of July 2012 and I weighed in at 250.6 lbs (BMI of 44). Yeesh. From September to this February, I managed to maintain the loss through the increasing pain from my fibroids and endometriosis (was not fun). When I recovered from the hysterectomy, I began again.

What's different now is that I am starting to recognize the harm that the fat can do. It's not just "oh yuck, fat," it's really fucking up my organs and the inside of my body. Like, really. Seriously, I've got to give props to the Biggest Loser and the education that they provide on that show. When they would do the health consultations and explain how fat was hindering the body's natural state, it made an impact on me.

They talked about how obesity was similar to other horrible types of diseases and they constantly ask, "If you had cancer, wouldn't you take 2 hours a day for chemo?" Of course, the answer is yes, but most people don't see fat % as being as dangerous as cancer. In our society, we're fucking ourselves over with the shit we're putting in, on, and around our bodies and we just keep consuming.

Well, I, for one, am waking the fuck up. And I'm pissed at my ignorance.

The crappiest picture of me. Evar. Highest weight: 250 lbs.

My New Roomie.

I have a girlfriend, let's call her Elle, who has been my partner in joining Weight Watchers at least a dozen times over the years. She's never been able to drop much weight, but she still keeps trying. About a month ago, we got a crazy idea in our heads that maybe it was time for drastic measures. I mean, here I am thinking about slicing open my body to remove a huge chunk of one of my organs, so I was willing to try anything.

She had just lost her job and was depressed about her future. The Mr and I had just bought a new (to us) car and could use some help to pay for it, so Elle and I decided to create Fat Camp. She moved into our spare bedroom (well, it was The Mr's man-cave) and since then we've re-joined Weight Watchers, started eating healthier, and have been making major changes to our overall health (spiritual, physical, emotional).

Yes, there have been a few bumps in the road, but overall it's been awesome. We've been able to talk about all of our eating issues (pft, more like subscriptions) and have been great sources of motivation for one another (from positive to wanting to beat the other's healthier way of living for bragging rights).

Edit: Dude. I just realized that I've already written about this. Perfect example of Lupus in action.

Part of Fat Camp is to write in our journals daily. Heh. You can see how I've been doing with that. Don't you judge me.

Fat Camp.

My throat hurts. I think it's from the window being open. That ain't right, man.

In other news, my friend and I have engaged in a project. Project Fat Camp. She's moved in for at least the next month and our job is to get healthy. Yah, we've still got to do other things (like pay the bills, feed the dog, life in general), but our JOB is to get healthy.

We've joined Weight Watchers (again), done the big shop, and will soon be planning more activity. This morning we were supposed to get up at the butt crack of dawn to go for a short walk. So far I'm the only one up. :/

I'm so frick'n tired right now. And throat-hurty. There's so much that I want to write about, but right now it all just seems so overwhelming. I know what I did last time was really successful, so I feel like I'm trying to do it all at once. Blogging is such a great outlet, but it all wants to come out at the same time, so my head is a jumbled mess.

Got to wake up the house. Fuckers. It's not fair that I'm up this goddamn early and they're dreaming of sugar plums. SUGAR PLUMS ARE FUCKING DELICIOUS!