P90 Day 1: Sculpt A

When the box arrived, I was literally too excited to open it. It lay on my floor for a good half hour before I pulled out the scissors and went to town. For the week that I was waiting for it to be delivered, I went on and on about how MY LIFE WAS GOING TO CHANGE OMGIWASGOINGTOBECOMESOFIT... just as soon as it got here.

Then it showed up and, fuck, that meant that I actually had to... exercise. WTF had I done?!

"Okay, you can do this, Chickie." I repeated the mantra in my head. I pulled out all of the matching literature, unwrapped the colored bands, attachments, and big black mat (all of which stunk of chemicals that I know were not good for the environment or for me to be inhaling). I popped in the DVD and then came the onslaught of advertisements: BUY THESE SHAKEOLOGY SHAKES OR YOU WILL CONTINUE SUFFERING THE SUBHUMAN EXISTENCE YOU CALL YOUR LIFE. GET A COACH. BUY MORE PRODUCTS. JOIN US... JOIN USSSSS!!!!

All in all it was a great workout. Like the original Power 90, P90 kicks your ass while subtly trying to sell you stuff. In the Power 90, it was the "supplements." In P90, it's the goddamn Shakeology (which evidently cures cancer) and getting you to buy into the "coaching" thing.

Digression on "coaching": when I signed up, I was super excited about ALL that Tony Horton could give me. One of the selling points is that you get your own individual "coach" that will basically be your best friend in this world and walk you through the horrors of exercising your saggy body. Woo! Yah! Just what I need! 

Imagine my surprise when, upon signing up on the Beachbody website, my "coach" was a more mature woman who did not in any way, shape, or form have a beach body. I had absolutely no objections to her being older (she actually wasn't much older than I am), it's just that her body didn't inspire or motivate me to want to continue the program. I guess I had a different expectation of what a Beachbody Coach was supposed to look like. Anyway, I was not impressed, but I thought, hell, maybe she was REALLY GOOD at motivating weaklings such as myself and I continued with my profile. 

When I start a project, I get really excited and start posting on forums, trying to connect to people who are participating like I am. So, when I decided to do P90, I was searching all of the boards trying to find fellow P90ers who could help motivate me (and vice versa). It was shortly after my posts that I started receiving messages that, while initially seemed innocent and supportive, were actually veiled attempts at "coaching" me. That's when Beachbody got really dirty to me. 

WTF is coaching? Basically it's an MLM (Multi-Level Marketing) type scheme, like Amway, Quixtar or Herbalife, where "coaches" sell you Beachbody shit in order to get a % off of the crap that they buy. Do these coaches actually help you succeed? I have no idea, I haven't looked too much into it because it left a really bad taste in my mouth. I'm sure that there are some really great "coaches" out there who are genuinely interested in helping people set and keep their goals. As soon as I find anyone cool, I'll pass it on.

Other than the funky smell of the mat and workout bands (it took about 5 times of me washing my hands to get the stank off), my first workout was a really great. I didn't even use weights or bands for the regular floor exercises. I think I'll eventually get some hand weights, because trying to yank the bands from the door contraption for a set of reps is kinda a pain in the ass (#FirstWorldProblems).

My new desktop background.

I'm really excited about the program. I've decided to focus on the Sculpt, resistance-based schedule because the gastric sleeve surgery is taking care of the weight loss. I just need to build muscle. I've lost about 85 lbs in 11 months and with quick weight loss comes quick muscle loss. And with muscle loss comes brittle bones, breakage, and DEATH! Well, maybe not death, per se, but it could happen...

At the moment, I can't do even one push-up. I'm looking forward to seeing what my body is capable of doing.